


No Remedy For Memory

by IllegalCerebral



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Dating, Double Dating, F/M, Falling In Love, Lost Love, Pining, Post-Zugzwang, Relationship Problems, Semi-unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 13:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15641604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: Reluctantly she let her friend set her up with an FBI agent and then before she knew it she was falling hard. The problem is he isn't, he's still in love with another woman.





	1. Chapter 1

She should have known better, she should have nipped the whole thing in the bud when it became clear that as much as he was sitting opposite her and asking about her family, her work, and her life, in reality he was somewhere else with someone else.

It was all Lisa’s fault really.

“You know Luke, my boyfriend?” she asked one day out of the blue after a triple shift at the hospital “Well he has this friend he works with Spencer. Spencer is single, he’s really cute and super smart and-”

“Lisa please” she said tiredly “No blind dates. Not after the last disaster” She shuddered at the thought.

“It’s not a blind date, it’s a double date!” Lisa protested “And it’s not really even a date. We need at least four people for a trivia tournament at the bar we go to. Please say you’ll come! Just see if you like the guy and if you don’t I will never set you up again”

That had been too good an offer to pass up so reluctantly she turned up one wet, miserable night at a dingy bar on the other side of town for a not-really-even-a-date double date with her over-sexed work colleague and two FBI agents.

It wasn’t that bad at first. Spencer was sweet and shy and had clearly been coerced by Luke into joining them. The pair sat side by side exchanging looks at Luke and Lisa’s PDA in between trivia rounds. In fact she and Spencer ended up doing most of the answering while the other half of their team was preoccupied. They all ended up coming second, the sports round letting them down.

“You play darts?” she asked Spencer afterwards, eager to see something, anything other than Lisa shoving her tongue down her boyfriend’s throat.

“No but I think I can learn” Spencer said, already out of his chair. Luke gave him a thumbs up and he rolled his eyes.

“They’re clearly in love” said Spencer, aiming for the board and missing spectacularly.

“They’re in lust” she corrected him “Give it a few months and if something’s there when it cools down maybe they’re in love” Her dart hit the centre of the board with a thwack.

“You’re good at this!” said Spencer as missed a second time.

“Just practice” she said with a shrug.

“Maybe you could give me some tips?” Spencer asked, rubbing the back of his neck and shuffling from side to side “I mean…if you aren’t busy. Well obvious as a doctor you’re busy but I mean if you have some time and I have some time free-”

“Maybe we could spend that time together?” she asked.

“Yeah”

He seemed so genuine at the time and perhaps he was. Spencer actually wanted to spend more time with her.

“Okay sure” she said “I have a early shift next Tuesday. We could grab a bite to eat after?”

“I’d love that!”

“Hey Reid!” Luke called from the other side of the bar “Garcia just called, we have a case!”

Lisa had a face like thunder and they saw Luke immediately turned to her and tried to soothe her hurt feelings.

“Maybe not love” said Spencer softly as he watched the two of them “Love should be understanding”

She glanced up at him, a  strange feeling in her stomach, like a warning.

“Stay safe” was all she said.

The case was over quickly, she heard from Lisa that the BAU were back in town.

“Was it stupid to be mad?” Lisa asked. She shrugged.

“I think it’s part of their job. We get called into the hospital at a moment’s notice too.” Lisa just scoffed and mumbled something about it not being the same under her breath.

When she and Spencer met up for their prearranged date she asked if it was a problem in relationships. She didn’t know why she asked, a first date wasn’t really the time to pry into his relationship history. Spencer didn’t seem bothered though, possibly because he didn’t realise what she was asking.

“My friend JJ and her husband Will make it work and they’ve been together nearly a decade. I think they may be an exception rather than a rule though” he added, a tinge of sadness creeping into his voice “Everyone else is either single, divorced or…”

“Or?” she probed gently.

“Or they lost someone” said Spencer “Our old boss lost his wife”

“That’s terrible”

“Yeah it was very hard on him but…sometimes I think when you have that kind of love, even if it’s ripped away from you, it’s still better to have it right?”

“I’d like to think so” she said “I though to be honest with you I don’t think I’ve ever been properly in love. Not the kind of love you’re talking about”

Spencer looked at her for a long time, she shrank a little under his gaze, her fingers drumming nervously against the table. She thought maybe she had made a mistake but at the end of the night as he was walking her home he shyly told her he’d love to take her out again.

“I’d like that” she breathed, butterflies in her stomach. he smiled at her and after a pause, pecked her on the lips. It was brief and he looked slightly bemused when he pulled back but she didn’t think much of it.


	2. Chapter 2

Six months she went out with Spencer after that initial date. It didn’t feel that long as there were gaps when they didn’t see each other due to him being on a case or her having to deal with emergencies at the hospital. Or maybe that made it feel longer, she wasn’t sure.

She learned about her mother, his childhood, his love of learning and his three PhDs. It was obviously a sanitised version, he played up the happy parts and would brush off the parts that were sad or difficult. Her own childhood had been happy so she supposed it made sense to keep that to himself until they knew each other better but it hurt a little. Like he didn’t trust her.

So she made an effort then to arrange perfect dates, to do things that he loved and go places where he could show how passionate he was about them. It was a joy to hear him talk about anything and everything under the sun from history to books, from obscure old films to exciting new foreign food. 

It was fun but she couldn’t shake the feeling he was keeping his guard up with her and if fun was all she was after that would have been fine. Spencer was charming and funny and it was nice to spend time with him, he was an excellent friend. It dawned on her after a few months though she didn’t just want to be friends.

“Spencer” they had gone to the park one particularly warm weekend. They liked people watching and making up stories about who the people around them were, where they were going and how they had gotten there in the first place. Spencer used all his profiling skills while she preferred making up outlandish stories, her heart fluttering every time she managed to make him laugh.

“Yeah?” he looked at her with a small smile.

“I…I really enjoy spending time with you” she said, she had to look away, the heat rising in her face.

“I like spending time with you too” said Spencer. He hesitated a moment before kissing her gently on the lips. The physical aspect of their relationship had been slow growing and she had respected Spencer’s wishes when he told her he wasn’t overly comfortable with intimacy. She didn’t mind that, she didn’t need to be sleeping with him for their relationship to be fulfilling. She _needed_ closeness though, emotional intimacy and trust, and as Spencer pulled back and she saw the almost reluctant look in his eyes he always had after he kissed her, she wondered if that would ever come. 

A month or so later she gave up wondering.

They were coming out from seeing a movie when Spencer stopped in the street, his eyes lighting up. He grabbed her hand and pulled her across the road towards a couple with matching grins on their faces.

“This is Derek we used to work together! And Savannah his wife.” They both pulled Spencer into bone breaking hugs, elation on their faces. She shifted nervously, she’d never seen Spencer that happy before.

“And who is this lovely lady?” Derek asked. His smile was so warm and genuine that it eased her nerves.

“This is my-” Spencer stopped, a frown creeping onto his soft features. She felt her heart stop. Derek and Savannah looked between the two of them. Finally she held out her hand for them both to shake, a bright, fake smile on her face as she told them her name, how Luke and Lisa had introduced them before quickly asking what they were up to that night.

It hurt to even look at Spencer on the drive home after that despite the fact they were both doing fantastic impressions of people who hadn’t totally fucked up.

She had every intention of saying something when they got back to his place. She wasn’t angry, she was hurt…no she was heartbroken. She was angry at herself for settling for this half-love. 

She just wanted answers.

Spencer threw her off balance once they were inside though. Sitting side by side on his couch he pulled her close, closer than usual. The heat of the embrace muddled her thoughts and a cascade soft kisses silenced any demands for the truth. 

The kisses grew more urgent as hungry hands fumbled at buttons and hems. His hands slipped under her top and she leaned into him, sliding into his lap. They only paused to pull her shirt over her head and his lips moved down her neck, her collarbone. The air felt chilly but her skin was burning. 

“Wait” finally she found her voice as Spencer moved to lay her down on the sofa.

“Sorry this is really fast, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s not that” she swallowed the lump in her throat. Where the fuck was her top?

“I’m sorry” Spencer said again, his hair was sticking up from her fingers dragging through it and his shirt was crinkled and hanging lopsided.

“Who is she?” she asked. There it was. She seized her top and pulled it on, relieved she could have this conversation with at least some dignity.

“What do you mean?” asked Spencer with the hesitancy of someone who knew exactly what was meant.

“Who are you thinking about when we’re together?” she asked. Her skin felt flushed from his kisses, her body not catching up with her brain in regards to where the night was heading. Spencer shifted uncomfortably.

“I don’t know what you-” he stopped when he saw the pain in her eyes “It doesn’t matter. She’s dead.”

She nodded, her vision blurring. 

So she was a replacement goldfish.

After being so desperate from the truth for so long it was almost funny that all she wanted was for Spencer now to stop talking but instead he launched into the epic saga of the woman who had saved him from his headaches, who had comforted him when he thought he was going mad, who he had never laid eyes on until the day she had died. The perfect woman gunned down in front of him.

Now Maeve was a dragonfly trapped in amber, unchanging forever. Never tainted, never decaying, never changing.

Suddenly she knew what people meant when they said ignorance was bliss.

“I’m sorry” she said “That’s  a terrible thing to happen”

“Please don’t go” begged Spencer.

“You didn’t deserve to be hurt like that” she said, pausing to pick up her bag “But I don’t deserve to be used like this”

Spencer called her name as she left but he didn’t follow, he made no move to chase after her or stop her. That made it worse. She spun round and glared at him as she flung open the front door.

“You remember what you said about losing someone you love? How even though it hurts beyond belief you’d rather have felt that love in the first place”

“Yeah” he said softly

“You were wrong”


End file.
